It's 2:26am and I'm facing the wall of my uni hostel as I type this. I'm currently struggling to find sleep. This has slowly become my routine each night. I blame it on the fact that I usually take long naps in the afternoons, but even on days that I do not take afternoon naps, I still have a problem sleeping.
On nights (or mornings) like this, I start to think. I think about too many things, and before I know it, few drops of tears form then it becomes a full-blown sob. I'm crying my eyes out and I can't comfort myself. Years back when I can't sleep, it used to be me imagining myself doing big things, but now, I think about the things that shouldn't have to be but happened anyways. I don't know why I dwell so much on those sad, extremely sad things. Maybe it's because it didn't come up in my imaginative scenes or they were just too sad for me to actually accept that it happened.
Those years, my dark years, where I often murmured that a blade was in my chest. Writing was my escape. And these days, I feel like darker times are here. I can't sleep and when I do, I sleep too deep. And often times, nightmares bother me, just like yesterday.
Each time that they said my writing was good, I hid my sadness. Not because it wasn't good, but because of the fuel of my inspiration. Pain. Grief.
Writing always made me feel better, which is why I would come here to write when it is convenient for me and not just because I want to "send a newsletter." The purpose of writing for me, is to express my emotions through words, so what then is the point if the emotions are detached from the words?
When you read this, say a prayer for me.
Life is full of ups and downs, highs and lows, sad and happy times. Instead of dwelling in the sad times, appreciate the good ones, thank God for them, and pray for better. That way, you’ll find yourself happy and joyful. Sad days will still come in between, but that’s why you had good days before, to always remind you what life is and to make you understand that this (sad day) too shall pass. May the good Lord comfort you. Salam.